Breanne Smedley: The Pressure of Being a Girl in Sports

Rhett Parker: Hi and welcome to another episode of Surviving Youth Sports. And today we have Coach Bree, high school volleyball coach, sports mom, runs the elite competitor, does coaching curriculum. I I mean, a massive resume. Welcome to the show. Coach Bre: Thank you for having me. I'm excited to be here. Rhett Parker: Absolutely. And so let's dive right into it because I you know, I just right right before we got on said volleyball is something that that I personally know nothing about, but I I hear, you know, my especially my daughter's friends, parents, and they talk about it. you know, how did you get going in this world and and and what's your background? Coach Bre: Yeah, well, volleyball. If you know nothing about it, it's keepy uppy, right? It's keepy uppy, right? Louie. And Rhett Parker: Yeah, for sure. Coach Bre: then it just gets harder and harder as you go. No, Rhett Parker: Right. Coach Bre: let's see. I guess my journey started when I was an athlete myself. you know, growing up playing a lot of sports and being a really tall girl athlete, everybody wants you to to play on their team. So I was like almost six feet tall as a freshman. And so I had like all these coaches be like, You gotta play this, you gotta play that. especially basketball. And I was like, Okay, okay, we'll just give it a go. Basketball, no. Absolutely not. I do like sweaty armpits in my face. And so the volleyball coach was our math teacher and he was like, Well, you just come out play volleyball. and I'm like, I can get down with this. There's like a a net so between like my opponent and I. And so I'm like, Okay, we'll we'll go down this path, not knowing what it would turn into now. We've talked about how crazy the you know, the club scene is, but I did I did end up being getting pretty good at at it and started, you know, into the club the club thing and by the time I was a senior I was getting recruited and I was getting offers to play in in college, which you would think would be like, you know, the goal for any high school athlete. And for me, it it it was, but I ended up feeling a lot of pressure with that whole situation of being like a higher level athlete, being expected to perform, all of these things. And I ended up after my senior season in high school, instead of taking one of these offers, walking away and quitting. I told everybody like, I'm done, I don't I don't want to play anymore, and basically like surprised and disappointed everybody. But I was like, I would Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: rather Do that now than go and not be as good as like maybe people thought I could be or whatever. that's what was going on in my 17-year-old brain. Looking back now, you know, 20 years later, I'm like, I see exactly what's going on, but nobody was talking about like the mental side of sports at that time and the pressures that athletes feel and girl athletes feel. So I made that decision. I actually ended up going to Western Washington University, and I know you're in Washington City, whenever that is. an amazing Division II College of Wild Bob program, one of the best division two in the nation in the nation. And I didn't know that really when I went there. but I ended up going to like every one of their volleyball games. They made it to the national championship that year. And I was like, my I miss this so much. And I regret playing. Like I wish I was out there with them. Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: And I, in a in a moment of courage, I don't know how I did that, emailed the coach and was like, Hey, congrats on you know the national championship and blah blah blah. Rhett Parker: Right. Coach Bre: hey, I'm Brie. Can I play for you? I don't even remember what I said, but she actually emailed me back and was like, why don't you come practice with us? I was like, what? And so I went and practiced with the team. she called me into her office afterwards and the next day and actually offered me a walk-on spot on this team. And I'm like, I don't walk whatever, I'll pay you to be a part of this. I just miss it so much. And it was one of the best things I could have ever done, and the best experiences I ever could have had, because this coach was not only phenomenal at teaching the physical side of sports, she knew what was up. Like she knew that, Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: you know, n you know, 90% of sports are mental. And so she would bring in resources and people who were talking about the mental side and I got interested in sports psychology because of that. I started studying it in my undergrad. started learning tools, realizing I wasn't alone, being like, Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: okay, like the mental side really does make a difference in how you play. And by the time I was a senior in college, this coach called me back into her office and I thought I was getting cut. I was like, okay, that was fun. she was like, no, we we actually want to put you on a full ride for your senior season. I was starting, you know, it was a really cool way to end this journey as an athlete that looked completely different than what I would have thought. so when I graduated, I became teacher, I became coach right away, realized that my own players were struggling with the mental side of the game, just like I had been, but I didn't really know how to teach them anything different. And so I went back to become a mental performance coach to teach my own team these skills. And I mean, it came out of necessity a little bit because we kept losing in these games that were like winner to state, loser out. When I had really talented teams, and I'm like the only like I had to look at myself as a coach and be like, what am I missing here? Because they're talented, they train hard. We're prepared physically, but mentally we can't meet the moment. And so started learning these things. the girls took to them really well. And I it didn't it didn't hurt us. We haven't missed a state champion or we've missed a lot of state championships, but we haven't missed a state tournament in eight years since implementing you know, the these mental skills. We've won four consecutive state championships and I decided about eight years ago that like more athletes need this. So founded a company called the Elite Competitor so that we could bring these skills across the nation to athletes who need them. So that's where the elite competitor was born, our company. and I we get to serve thousands and thousands of families to help them on the mental side of the game. Rhett Parker: It's so important because I feel like kids and and I'm going through it a little bit right now with with my twins, there there's this weird pressure. And Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: my wife and I are like, We we don't care. But it almost doesn't matter when you say that to them sometimes. They're like, Well, I feel Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: it. And and you know, and there's there's obviously I'm coach and There's instances where the parents are putting pressure on the kids. Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: But I think internally there's just certain kids who who just automatically, whether you're 12 or you're at Western Washington or you're at Columbia River playing volleyball, like they they in turn there's kids, there's just a personality, right? And they just feel this pressure to to succeed and not fail. Where are you seeing that? On the youth level versus high school versus, you know, I'm sure you work with athletes on all ends of the spectrum. Why do you think that is with with not the parent side? Because we all know that exists, but internally, what are you seeing with what you're doing with with your elite competitor? Coach Bre: Well it's interesting you say not on the parent side, because I don't think that a kid's internal state can be compartmentalized and de detached from their Rhett Parker: Okay. Coach Bre: most important influence in their life. Rhett Parker: Right, right, right. Coach Bre: and so, you know, if if I think that even well-intended parents can it like unknowingly place some of this pressure. And I will, you know, I'll speak to some other things that I'm seeing. But I do think Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: like, you know, now we have kids that are going kind of coming up through and we're like, okay, we get kind of a first row seat on like what's happening here. And not saying that like, you know, we're doing it. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Rhett Parker: Right. Good luck with that, by the way. You're I I mean g it just yeah. Good luck. Coach Bre: but even like something s like simple things that are like, you know, where as parents we're placing like our praise and our emphasis, you know, when we're talking about our kids that are doing well, it's just natural for us to be like, yeah, like you scored this many goals or you were the one that did this. It's just like so focused on the outcome. And a kid that starts hearing that when they're seven years old starts to internalize this message that, like, I get praise, I get attention, I get recognition from and love from my parents when I do these good outward things. It's and that's very innocent. It's not like we should stop celebrating those things, but when we constantly do that, then as the pressure gets more and the the game gets more. Intense and more serious, and now there's more on the line, and winning and losing is more emphasized. Now they're internalizing this: like, I have to perform, I have to get the goal, like I have to do all these things. And we know that sports are so unpredictable and there's so much that are out of kids' control. And we talk a lot in our program about you know what's in your control versus what's out of your control. A win, an outcome, like a PR is actually out of your control, that ultimate like thing on the other end. But what is in your control is obviously those things that we talk about all the time, like your attitude, your effort. your ability to be a good teammate, coachability, like all of those things. And so if we can emphasize those things at a younger age, you know, k starting at seven, eight, nine. And so they're hearing over and over and over again that emphasis of like, you know, you gave all of your effort. You even when it got hard, you didn't give up. Like those are things that kids can replicate their whole life. And they actually will lead to a better outcome in their sport and you know, all of that. But I think that parents, even though we're like, Well, I'm not putting any pressure on them. I'm not I'm saying like whatever, but It's like, okay, well, where are we praising? Like what are what are we doing there? So I think that's part of it. Rhett Parker: Well, w we're trying to praise process. That's what we're trying Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Rhett Parker: to do. And and if your process is right and you are, you know, having fun and you're working hard and you're putting work in, you know, at practice and you're Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: doing those things, the results will come. And I think the hardest part with that, because I I a process over results is so important from my perspective because it it It will allow you to be successful in life. The problem Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: that that I'm seeing, especially, you know, sometimes with our oldest, well, you know, my process was great today, but my results were bad. Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: What am I doing? And you're like, it's so hard to look at a 12 year old and go, if you just keep doing this and keep like staying on good process and and and all those important things that you can control. Which is going Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: to sleep at night when you have an early game. It's like if you stay up till midnight, your your your process is off because you're gonna be tired when you wake up at six and we drive an hour. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Rhett Parker: you know, but you control that to a certain degree. It's really hard. Like, what like in in your mind, if I come to you and I'm like, Well, man, I I had a bad week, but my process was great, and you're 12. It's really hard to look at them and be like, dude, if you do this for fifty-two weeks though, or or whatever. Coach Bre: Yeah. Yeah. Rhett Parker: You're gonna be really successful, you're not not only in sports, but in life. Coach Bre: Right. Yeah, I know that is hard, especially as a twelve year old. And I just think that they continue to need hear that message. And like hunt the good, find the wins. You know, I know that we do this with our middle school and our high school athletes in our program, but it's like every day we're writing down we have a daily bandset routine, we're finding evidence that we're getting closer to the athlete we wanna be. they They find like three affirmations that are set in their goals for the season. And so they're just so hyper-focused on that. Because our brain is gonna automatically go to it to kind of get into this some neuroscience a bit, like Rhett Parker: Yeah, it's fine. Coach Bre: it's gonna go into like the outcome and all of this and find every reason why what's going on is not good enough. our brain has a negativity bias, like it's just very natural for our brain to do that, and that's why. Even at a young age, kind of rewiring, it's not ignoring that we are we have things to improve on, but where can we like redirect our brain to, okay, these are my goals, my affirmations for the season? What's evidence that I'm getting? What's evidence from today's practice? Even if I didn't do everything well, what's evidence from today's practice that I am getting closer? What are the wins? Like, I just think it just like for us as parents, like this is a process for us to help them to continue to be, you know, drip by drip, like. Pound the stone. Like this is just how we gotta keep going too. So Rhett Parker: And it and it and it's it i it's hard for parents, even parents like like us that that that played right beyond Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: beyond high school and stuff. It it it that what's he th so Coach Bre: That's a pressure too. Yeah. Yeah. Rhett Parker: that I I feel like at least in our household, I I do feel like just automatically, you know, if you go I mean there's there's you know some jerseys on the wall and you know Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: and and those of us that were short on national championships here You know, my wife has her stuff up there and and Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: and it's like you guys don't you don't have to do that. It's it's it's really it's really hard because we're super proud of our accomplishments as athletes, which is which is what you want, right? You're super proud of your accomplishments, Bree, and you should be. We're, you know, but you got you there's not some bar you have to live up. I don't even care if you play. Like it Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: i i especially baseball for me, it's actually easier if you don't. Because it's Coach Bre: Right. Rhett Parker: the soccer stuff and and and you know, basketball and those other things, you know, I'm like, yeah, this is like so I'm not going, man, okay, God, you gotta get over on that ground ball like, you know, cause I coach too, right? It with, you know, higher level high school kids. It it's it's actually easier if you don't play baseball, guys. Like in softball, it's easier for me. But w Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: what do you you know where are you seeing the parents? 'Cause you said you have an eight and a five year old. So obviously it's It's different. And you work with all these middle school, high school parents and players. Man, where are the parents at these days? I I feel like this isn't gonna be the best answer, you know, ever. But where what are you seeing out there? Coach Bre: I mean, to be honest, I do and maybe it's just because we're in this world so much. And it's like so emphasized that when a parent is like being that if if this is like a spectrum of like bad sports parent versus like supportive sports parent, I see less and less of the bad because Rhett Parker: Right. Right. Okay. Coach Bre: it might also be because now people know what I do. So they're like, Bray's here, like lock it up. Rhett Parker: Right. Right. Coach Bre: but like. The parent that's like being belligerent and yelling and like all of that, I just I don't see that as much anymore. And that could just be because of like, I don't know, the area that I'm in or I'm not sure. Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: I just think that there's way more awareness. Everybody seems to be talking about it. And again, I could just be in an echo chamber because this is my world. so I don't know, it'd be it'd be curious to hear what you are thinking. But what I what I have noticed more in myself, as like has stepping into more of the sports parenting role. Is it kind of holds up a mirror to you as a person? I don't know, parents that are listening, if you've ever been in this situation where you are on the sideline and your kid does something that you're like, ooh, that wasn't very good, or like they're making a mistake or like Rhett Parker: Right. Yeah. Coach Bre: multiple mistakes and you get embarrassed. And I'm being I'm being vulnerable, I'm being honest to you right now, or like Rhett Parker: Yeah, yeah. Coach Bre: you start to wonder what other parents are thinking about you, or what other parents are thinking about your kid. And now it becomes this thing where you're wrapped up in your kid's experience and it's becoming more about you than it is your kid. This is a really like deep like you I I think Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Interesting, yeah. Yeah. Coach Bre: and I read a quote or heard a quote recently. I wish I could like actually attribute this to the correct person who said it, but it's just very simple. Can you watch without desire? Can you watch your kid without desire? And Rhett Parker: Yeah. Coach Bre: what that means is like, for me at least, means like I am going to dis I'm not I'm gonna like not have an attachment to what I think my kids should do or be out there. This is their thing. Like I'm going to detach my own like expectations around it. because once I start to start, you know, think of what other people are thinking about me, about my kid, about all this, now it's becoming about me and not about them. So I don't know, just a different perspective. Rhett Parker: He so I personally speaking, I I actually don't think about that at all. I I I I would for f for sure. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. And this could be a girl this could be a female experience too. Like there there's mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: What's interesting about that, because I think I'll take it one step further from what you just said, because I know this to be true just because I've dealt with with you know my P and W regional baseball thing, which which has been going on for years. Status is so important to a lot of parents. Coach Bre: Yeah, I mean that yeah, that I think that's what kind of it pops into. And if we're not aware like if you're not self-aware, I do think that's kind of what if we were to un you know, unearth this, it would be that like the status. Where does my kid fit in in the status of this team? You know, Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: like the ultimate need for belonging, Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: for our kids, for ourselves, like Our kids are feeling like an extension of ourselves. Maybe we're seeing some own like our own things pop up in our kid. I don't know, it can get really tangled. So I just wonder. Rhett Parker: It it it can and and because whether your kid's a good athlete or bad athlete or or somewhere in between, it it doesn't mean that you're parenting wrong. I I I just I see it all the time and I'm like, what what? Like, why do you care so much? This is we're here to have fun, you know. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: We're we're here to support them and and listen, this is not black, we've said this a lot. It's not black and white. You know, Coach Bre: Right. Rhett Parker: there's there's there's great. You probably deal with athletes that that are very high-end, that have Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: very high goals, that are athletic enough and and have enough work ethic and desire where they're gonna go play in high-level college, they're they're gonna play professionally. That's great. Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: And the way you treat that person versus the way you treat somebody that's like, man, I I would just love a great high school experience and You know, I I go to a smaller school and I I really want to make the team and you know, and and then and I have zero desire to play in college. And athletically speaking, I'm probably not going to. Those are not the same. Like the like the way those kids are wired isn't the same. The way like and that's okay. It doesn't has nothing to do with parenting. Like nothing. Coach Bre: Right. Rhett Parker: And and I I I think the status part of failure versus success and what school you're gonna go to and Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: It it doesn't matter, you know, and I think okay, so There are a lot of parents who look at the status part of it. They're missing the ride. They're missing Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: the enjoyment of what, like, okay, we got to get exposure. We got to get this. You're missing it. You're missing, Coach Bre: Yeah. Yeah. Rhett Parker: you're missing your kid play. And you don't get you're gonna wake up and 20 years and go, man, I I I mean I I was focused on the wrong things. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Yep. Yeah. I know. Like I it's probably cliche, I'm sure that this gets talked about a lot on this podcast. But yeah, Rhett Parker: Yeah. Yeah. Coach Bre: like the the rides, the rides to and from, the, you know, and those can be tricky. We talk a lot to parents about like the car ride home and Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: you know, what to say, what does Nat say, how to make that a positive experience because a lot of times it's something kids look back on with not great exp Not great memories. but you know, those those are the things that you're like, God, I would just what would I would give to, you know, be in a car for driving driving a couple hours to a tournament. Rhett Parker: Yeah. And take and take a step back and and and and you know, like like I said I recently just coached my twelve year old son and his team for the last time, been four years. It's okay to take a step back and go, Man, you I'm in it right now and this is amazing. And I'm sad it's over, but it's awesome. It it it's it's it's okay to do that and We have talked about the car ride home a few times, and I have a very I I I'm I actually might be in the minority in this. So I have four kids. Okay. They are very different. And I have one, if you don't talk about the game in the car ride home, she Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: obviously we my only daughter, she she she wants Coach Bre: She knows who we know who we're talking about. Okay. Rhett Parker: to talk about the mistakes, she wants to talk about the successes. She won and and it's like, okay, well, let's go to if I breathe next to her brother. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: Good, bad, indifferent. If I even just take a breath towards him, he's out. He's out. He's done. He doesn't want to hear it. And the only time that that and it's it's a it's a rarity, it's about probably about once a year the last couple years, did you give a hundred percent? No. And then I I I will I will get upset because we just drove an hour and I don't care if you did good or bad, you control that. And if you don't want to give a hundred percent, then we're done. Like we I we will not spend an hour to drive to your game and go watch you play. I don't care about anything else. You can be a great teammate, you can have a great attitude, and you can give a hundred percent effort. If you don't Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: do those three things, we're not gonna like you can go play rack. Like the the and then you know, the other two are are sort of, you know, hit and miss and and obviously the seven and eight, they're younger. and and we're trying we're tr yeah, exactly. I got this in my snack bag, which is which is Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: which is great. But There isn't give me your car ride. It's not it is not a hundred to zero. It's not black and white. Like there are diff you just have to, in my opinion, you have to clue in on what type of kid you have. Because Coach Bre: Right. Rhett Parker: you again, if we don't talk to our daughter, she's like, man, I did like I I did something wrong. And she wants to talk about it all. You know, and Coach Bre: Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: she likes to talk. So Wha what what's your take on that? Because a lot of people are like, Well, don't say this, but you're not you're not in my car. Like I I Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: I I I so, you know, maybe I'm wrong, but what Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: what what's your take on the on the car ride home? Coach Bre: Yeah, I think that you nailed it with knowing your kid. It's just like you gotta know your audience and like your kid's personality, how like you start to get a beat on that really early. we do have a framework that we tend to that we that we teach our parents. It's called the it's called Love, L O V E. And it's an acronym. And the first one is let let her lead. And that just we talk about exactly what you're saying. Like Let them lead what they want the experience to be within reason. Like we'll talk about, you know, if you were disrespectful to refs, teammates, coaches, like you didn't give 100% effort. Like, nah, okay. Rhett Parker: Yep. A hundred percent. Coach Bre: but so for your daughter, letting her lead is like she wants me to talk. Like she wants Rhett Parker: Right. Coach Bre: we we gotta like, we gotta kinda hash this out. and so that's just knowing, and I would say like I tell parents, like, ask like kids have opinions about this. in our program, one of the things that they do, there's like an activity that athletes have to do where they kind of reflect on what they want from their parents or need from their parents before game and after game. And then they have to tell their parent. And I'm in the portal every day responding to athletes, and they're saying, like, here's what I want before a game, here's what I what's helpful after a game, here's what's not helpful. And then the parents just like never ask. And so we are just kind of like guessing. and it's not to say that you have to do everything your kid says. Like obviously you're you're the parent at the end of the day, but they do have opinions. And if it's gonna make it easier, then might as well. So L, let her lead. Always open the space. And this is just, I mean, very simple. Like have a routine that you do. This isn't always possible because as we talked about, like tournaments for club volleyball are like, this is like an all day thing. And but this, yeah, this is like as simple as hey, let's go get something to eat, let's go to Starbucks, whatever. Like opening that space so it feels safe and it's consistent every time because you're in. In the PNW. We used to my parents knew nothing as about sports. I was they were like, we have an athletic daughter. Like, what does this mean? But they got something right. They were Hey, let's go to Burgerville every time after your games. And like now, Rhett Parker: That's cool. Coach Bre: yeah, every time I go to like buy Burgerville, I have like these fond memories of being in the car with my mom and just having like a mocha perk milkshake. And like it's just all cool, you Rhett Parker: Right. Coach Bre: know? Like, I didn't get it taken away if I like had a bad game. It was like that Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: was just my safe space. so open the space is the V is is validate. So like if they're telling you stuff, a lot of times as parents we want to come in and fix it. They're like, I had a bad game, I missed my my serve, and we're like, No, well, you made all these other really good plays, and it wasn't that bad. And we just try and like fix it right away. Just give them space to you know, say what they're gonna say, reflect back what they're saying. Like a human experience is we just wanna be seen for who we are and like heard. it doesn't mean we have to agree. Yeah. Rhett Parker: Do you think it's okay for because again I learn stuff all the time when I'm on hosting the podcast? You say validate. So they missed a serve. Do you w what's your take on cause sometimes I do this, I'm like, okay, why why did why do you think that happened? Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: What's your take on on on that? Cause I'm trying to learn as much as everybody listening too. Coach Bre: Yeah, glad you asked that because it the E stands for encourage inward, and that's about like asking questions that encourage inward versus like outward. So the V though, if you skip over that, if they're having some sort of emotion behind what they're saying, they're like, I'm the worst player on the team. Like I really screwed up. I lost the game for us because I missed her serve. So validate and reflecting back would be like, ooh, you're feeling frustrated that that happened. You or you know, like you didn't want that to happen. That wasn't your goal. You just like I I say you're kind of being like a reporter. reporting back, like here's what the headline is, does that sound right? And that just helps them process the emotion behind what happened. And then they're in a place to receive more feedback if they're able Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: to like be seen for that emotion. So I would start there. I if there is some sort of like, yeah, that totally sucked and you're like, yeah, it sounds like whatever. You know, it sounds like that was that was tough or that wasn't what you wanted to have happen. curious though, why do you think that happened? You know, what what was going on? Rhett Parker: Yeah. Yeah. Coach Bre: And that then gets to the E of like encouraging inward. So it's less of like, well, it's I don't know, it's because I suck. you know, it's like, no, because like my task was too low. Rhett Parker: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well the a and and I think that's the thing. It's like, you know, you start to talk about process and versus results, right? You know, there's the the physical parts of the sport, you have to get reps. And Coach Bre: Right. Rhett Parker: and like it's it's okay to go all the way down that list, which I love, L O V E, that's great. Are are are you is your muscle memory like good to repeat the the the serve and that's part of the process, right? Like if Coach Bre: Yeah. Right. Rhett Parker: you want a better result, sometimes it is mental, but but sometimes it's physical because you Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Rhett Parker: don't have enough reps and your body's not gonna be able to, you know, have the muscle memory to I did I do that right? Sorry, I I didn't know if I yeah. Yeah. I I've I've I I've never played, so that that would be very interesting. Coach Bre: Yeah, I mean I mean sort of. We can w w since we live next to each other, I can give you a lesson. Rhett Parker: but you know, I I I think that's cause because I do ask that sometimes, not not just to my own kids, but to to to to you know, my players. It's like, you know, hey coach, I I missed that ground ball. It's like, uh-huh. Okay, well, what what have we been doing? What have we been working on? Attacking the baseball. Did you attack the ball? No. Okay. Well, we have to work on that and we have to be conscious that we can just attack the ball next time. We got to get through the baseball. So Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: that's that's it's very interesting. I it you're a huge advocate. I want to talk about this. Women's sports. So am I, because I feel like you know there there's a lot of sometimes almost and it's very interesting to have twins that are the same age, right? Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: And yeah, obviously my daughter plays with boys in soccer. So I I Some animosity sometimes. And it and it pisses me off as a as a father. and then there there's certain times where women's sports are looked down upon. And it pisses me off as a husband and a father. And and I listen, it's not it's not everything's not equal all the time. And we're not it's not a direct comparison to men's sports and boys' sports. Coach Bre: Right. Rhett Parker: I I love what you're doing. B Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: because obviously, you know, I have Two very strong personalities, female personalities in my own house that are that are athletic and athletes. What can we do to make like this better for for for the girls and the women? you know, and and how do we deal with with with that? 'Cause you can obviously tell my frustration. Coach Bre: Mm. Yeah. I know it it it feels it does feel like again, I might just be in an echo chamber of this. I see the the good and the bad, the Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: you know, the like comments and the trolls love to come out when I when we do anything. I mean, you should see our I I love it actually turn it into like content for us because when Rhett Parker: Yeah. Yeah. Coach Bre: we put ads out around this, like, you know, the people come out of their basements. I when I say the people I mostly mean men. That's I always mispronounce that word. but Rhett Parker: Yeah, yeah. Coach Bre: They're they're coming and they're like, This is why no one watches women's sports and blah blah blah blah blah. And it's just like, wow, the audacity that you are just outing yourself like in front of everybody, but okay. And Rhett Parker: Yeah. Yeah. Coach Bre: so I just like to, you know, screenshot them and and and show everybody else like what we're dealing with. Because Rhett Parker: That's funny. That's really funny. Coach Bre: not everybody gets to see that side. They're like, yeah, when you know, you you know, women's basketball is definitely having a moment, women's volleyball, there's like professional leagues now and all of this. Yeah, it's also Rhett Parker: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Softball tooth. Softball tooth. Yeah. Coach Bre: yeah, it's like I was at a restaurant This just this weekend here in Portland and like the women's sports are on. And I'm like, all right, there we go. but there's just so many, like, because so many that are threatened about like women who are you know, owning their athleticism and their power and and their and being strong, you know, it threatens the patriarchy a little bit, I think. So people get a little they have they have feelings about that. Rhett Parker: Yeah. Coach Bre: and what to do about it, I think, is continuing. I mean, there's a couple of things. Like we use our platform and we are you know, partnering with people who have big platforms, professional athletes who have this really strong message about keeping girls in sports. because women are girls are quitting sports at two times the rate of boys by the age of 13. And a lot of that is just because I mean a few things like you know the pressures that they're feeling to like be perfect and perform and you know be a leader but don't be bossy and like there's just so much so much of this competing messaging or it becomes not fun. their bodies start to change when girls go through puberty, their bodies change in a way that's not actually advantageous for sports like it used to be. Whereas boys who go through puberty, like they get stronger, they get faster, like it it benefits them. And so, you know, they're going through some things there. And so we really want to keep girls, especially in that vulnerable time, in sports. And so that's where our message meets our our mission and what we tech to like what we actually do for girls is give them those confidence, those mental skills to be able to handle kind of what they're experiencing in their sport in middle school and in high school so that they stay in it and they gain those leadership skills and they, you know, go on to be physicians who are representing their country and, you know, like, you know, holding leadership positions in their community. Rhett Parker: Yeah, absolutely. Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: And that's where we see like systematic change as well in our world. So it's a miss a mission that's a lot bigger than us. And it, you know, you ask like, well, what do we do? I think we keep talking about it. We keep championing it. You know, we keep calling out the people who are trying to bring us down. Like I think all of those are really really good ways to do it. Rhett Parker: I it it's not a it's not you know You're not gonna lose your masculinity because you watch women's sports. You you like like it you're gonna be fine. And and and if you don't like women's sports, don't watch it. Like Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: it's you don't like men's sports, don't watch it. Like like I I I just feel like, you know, people just wanna bring other people down sometimes. And I think it's Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: really easy to try to pick on women's sports sometimes. yeah, they're they're they don't, you know, they don't have Testosterone like like men do. Yes, they're not gonna jump as high, they're not gonna run as fast. It's okay. They're Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: not the basketball is not the same in Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: men versus women. None of them are. And that's fine. I I just think that it's just man, we we're just in this this weird moment. I think it's gotten better for it at what absolutely has gotten better. and I do think there's more dads out there that that are supporting their daughters. than ever before. And I think as we continue to do that, it it'll only get better is is Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: is my hope. So Coach Bre: I am curious though what your experiences so you have your daughter playing on a boys' team. can I ask why? And then also what are you seeing kind of in the differences? Rhett Parker: okay, that's great. I love I love I love I love I love when it comes back on me. yeah, a hundred percent. okay. So, Coach Bre: I know, yeah. You thought you were interviewing me. Well that how to how to turn tables. Okay. Rhett Parker: well, I'll say from a family perspective, to to have one less team to go to with four people that play sports is great. yes, so Coach Bre: yeah, 'cause it it's on her brother's seam. Okay. That makes sense. Rhett Parker: they're twins. she's very physical, okay. So I think this is about four years ago. She's playing in a girls' game. I think she was playing a year up. she's dribbling the ball and getting called for fouls because Coach Bre: okay. Rhett Parker: she's knocking other girls over off the ball. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: And she gets into the car and she starts crying. And it was just me. My wife was at somebody else's game. and she goes, I'm done. Don't want to play anymore. And for me, my I mean, parent. radar is like we're done. Okay. Like we're not we're Coach Bre: Yeah. We just got started. Rhett Parker: not having fun. All right. We're gonna get to the bottom of this. And I was like, well, first of all, you committed to doing this. You're going tomorrow. So she's just she's just too physical. And we're go, okay. And she had done some stuff like soccer on the sand with the boys and we're like, hey, what do you think about her moving to the boys? Because it's it's it really is a physicality thing. And and and I I I it especially at soccer and you know, even the the folks in London say this. We we live in London about a month out of the year and they play on a team out there and and and they really encourage girls to play against the boys that are really good at soccer seven, eight, nine, ten. Coach Bre: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: Your daughter's not gonna get hurt if she's physical and she's aggressive. She's not going to. The the the difference is not there at seven, eight, nine, ten. Okay. Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: About eleven, we started to see she used to be able to outrun And then there's a few times where she needed to make sure she had the right angle and Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: you know, but I think for us the speed of play is a lot faster in the boys' game. She likes Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: that. and she's good enough to do it. And she's physical enough to do it. And we we've asked her every year, what do you want to do? Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: And she said the same thing every time. This next year, I don't know if you know a lot about soccer. ECNL is like the top league in the country. Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: We're also in one of the top divisions in the country. We play all Seattle and I think Boise. And where Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: we're at, down in the, you know, just above Portland on the Washington state side, we usually don't fare as well against the Seattle teams. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: So you're talking about the best players, you know, essentially in the Northwest. she's had a gross burst, so I think she's what, five, six? But she's still physical enough to do it. We also have integrated her into some of the girls' side of things. but it's been easier for our family. she's capable of doing it and she's the captain. And I would tell her she plays defense and and Girls listen a hell of a lot better than boys. Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: so she's always in the right spot and and she saves the boys' asses a lot. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: being in the right spot. So we we do leave it to to her a lot, but it's it is easier for our family and and you know, the way she moves sometimes. she moves different. And you deal with elite athletes sometimes. There's no such thing as a twelve year old elite athlete. But you can look at people and I've coached people that are in the big leagues now. They look a little bit different and it just looks a lot slower for them than it does other people. And she has that tendency sometimes. So, but listen, I I I say this because people call me all the time to try to get her and and even, you know, my son on their teams or go to this tournament Coach Bre: I know. Rhett Parker: or go to that tournament. They're 12. It doesn't mean anything. Coach Bre: Right. Rhett Parker: It it like that that's great. In two years, she could look at us and go, I'm good. I'm gonna go play basketball. Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: you know, the other part is is she plays other sports guys. Like she she she she's Coach Bre: yeah, which was great. Rhett Parker: softball, she's basketball, she's cross country. Like my son does baseball, he does track. Now, as we move to ECNL, we've we've been very clear with them, like if we're gonna do this, you're Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: gonna have to, you know, not do as much of the other things. And you Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: have to be able to be okay with that. And if you want to not do ECNL because of the travel and the commitment and do those those other things as well, go ahead. It doesn't bother us. Like we're gonna be fine. Coach Bre: Yeah. Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: so that's sort of what we what we do. And I can tell you, it's not exactly championed by everybody. It Coach Bre: I'm sure. Yeah. Rhett Parker: it it's not, and and you know, I'm sure there's not a lot of people that that listen to this, but There's a lot of teams we play that speak Spanish. I speak enough Spanish to know what people say. So I I've heard Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Yeah. Rhett Parker: some things that are very inappropriate towards her. and it's and it's Coach Bre: Mm, yeah. Rhett Parker: and it's tough. And she's gotta be tough. But I think for the life part of it, and this is a long rant, but the life part of it, it's gonna help her to to be tough and and and Coach Bre: Yeah. Rhett Parker: down the road. But listen, eventually she's gotta go play with girls. Like it's not like she's gonna go to college and, you know, play up play at University of Portland on the men's side, but Coach Bre: Right, right. Rhett Parker: we're still in a in a in a area this year and we take a year by year where she doesn't she doesn't need to go play with girls, she can with boys. Coach Bre: Yeah, yeah. So she's thriving, like, you know, this is working for her. Yeah. Rhett Parker: She's doing great. And if she wasn't one of the, you know, quote unquote better players or a contributor, we wouldn't have her play with the boys. It's not some status thing. It's it's Coach Bre: Right. Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: what works for her and her path is the surviving you sports, right? Like everyone's journey everyone's journey's different. Your your Coach Bre: Yeah. Right. Rhett Parker: eight year old's journey versus your five year olds' journey is gonna be different. Like they're gonna be different. So well, thank you for the question. That was yeah, Coach Bre: Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, thanks for sharing. Rhett Parker: it it it It feels good because I I do feel like people think we're doing it for reasons that I didn't just say. We we just Coach Bre: Mm-hmm. Rhett Parker: and there the status and the comparison is brutal. It's brutal. Coach Bre: I'm sure. Yeah. Rhett Parker: so as we wrap this up, give gimme what what you know what What do you want? I'm I'm gonna go you could be parents, could be athletes, could be coaches here. What what's the takeaway that that you wanna have for people, you know, out there trying to trying to survive this crazy world? Coach Bre: Well, that's a big question. But when I Rhett Parker: Yeah, for sure. Coach Bre: when it comes to yes, the the sports world, I think the message that applies all three is that your your kid, your athlete, athletes that are seeing yourselves, like your sport is what you do, it's not who you are. And that that also might sound a little cliche, but it becomes I think that was part of my downfall as an athlete and why I ended up stepping away is because it had become so much of my identity that the threat to not being good enough was like you know a threat to my whole world. And so Rhett Parker: Mm-hmm. Coach Bre: we emphasize that a lot with our athletes too that this is a part of you. It's a big part of you and you know, but there's also so much more to who you are and so much so much of the parts of what show up in your sport can also show up in other parts of your life. So yeah, your sports and your daughter's sport, your son's sport is what they do, it's not all of who they are. So here we go. Rhett Parker: Yep. No, I I I it's funny, I said that to my my my son the other night. a couple Coach Bre: yeah. Rhett Parker: weeks ago. I was like, dude, this doesn't define who you are. You're a great kid and you know let's we you you could be if you're a great person, that's all we care about. it's a vehicle. So you know, elite competitor. i where can people find you? and and and you have coaches' curriculum, which I think is huge. you know, how how can, you know, people listening follow follow what you're doing? Coach Bre: Yeah, well on the social side of things, at Elite Competitor Coach is like if you're a parent, you could head over there. coach her game. If you're a coach, you can head over there. We will we have content for both parents, coaches, you know, some fun dancing things as well. Just we just kind of keep it light. Just Rhett Parker: Love it. That's awesome. Coach Bre: trying to bring a little more fun back into our into our social, our content team. Rhett Parker: Yeah. Coach Bre: But on both those sides Rhett Parker: That's funny. Coach Bre: too, we have we have free training. So we have free training for parents, all about how to strengthen your athlete's mental game. That's at trainhergame dot com. For coaches, if you want to know how to start doing mental training with your team, I share my system and how I do it with my team in as little as like fifteen minutes a week. and that's at coachfree training dot com. Rhett Parker: That's awesome. Well, I I love like I said, I love what you're doing and and we'll definitely have to I didn't even realize we're this close. We'll definitely have to get together and grab a coffee. But really thank thanks for coming on and and you know, sharing what you do. And I I again I I say this a lot. I I've already learned a couple of things. Yeah. Awesome. I a hundred a hundred percent appreciate it. Coach Bre: Good. I'm happy to hear that. I've learned a couple things too. So win-win. Thanks for having me. Yeah.